in between dreams

Breakfast!

2012-02-14T23:16:00.002+08:00

I wish I could wake up to mornings like these with you.

I'll make you breakfast and we'll sit down to have tea together.

Life is Good.

2012-02-14T21:33:00.000+08:00

Classical Junkie

2012-02-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

I've always had this classical inclination in me all the time, just that I hardly talk about it because nobody would really be in sync with me to appreciate this as well. But I just wanna share these few songs that I personally love to death and would never get sick of it. When people listen to classical music, they say they'll fall asleep to it. For myself, its regarded as really good music that doesnt need words to convey its story nor meaning to the song. You'll understand just by listening to it, either that or you create your own storyline to the melody and tonality of the song. And for myself, of course I create my own storyline. hahahaha

So, please enjoy my ultimate classic favourites!

1. Nocturne in C-Sharp by Chopin

This song was actually an original piano piece but I thought it sounded much better on violin. It actually sounded sadder on the violin than on the piano. I like how it actually started very intriguingly sad and lonely, so much pain and suffering. (like as if someone's lover or close kin died or smt) and then it leads to a very happy melody..depicting happy memories before (like flowers blooming, lots of happiness and sunshine) and then it leads to a very confused melody.. from major to minor.. and back to the sad part.. where the person is being drawn back to the sad and harsh reality.

2. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven

This is a song where I personally relate to someone who mean a great deal to me who suffered alot and had to leave me to go back to her own country. And that is of course Dalise. Its a song where I think best fit my feelings for her. How I always loved her to death but never knew how to express it openly and properly, and when I ever did, it was too late. How I always want to keep her by myself, but knowing it is out of my control and means. How I felt when I sent her home, and partially dying inside yet I had to be strong. How I always cried and felt so alone thinking about her. How badly I missed her all these while. Whenever I hear this song, I just picture myself playing it on a grand piano in a very silent and empty concert hall, crying my eyes out while playing this piece. I dont really like to listen to this song anymore, because it always leave me sad and helpless. But however, its no doubt a beautiful piece.

3. Moon River by Henry Mancini

This is no stranger, I bet you heard it before somewhere sometime in your life. But I always loved how sweetly-simple and melodious it is. There is lyrics to this song, and its beautiful. I like the violin version compared to the piano one. However, there is a flute version which sounds pretty amazing too! Moon River is one of those olden classic love songs, and I think its pretty scarce and rare to find anybody who'll appreciate something like that. But I personally loved it to death. Hehe.. I would pretend I'm dancing to it.

My favourite line from this song
Two drifters off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbows end,
I'm waiting round the bend.

3. Nocturne in E flat by Chopin

Another Chopin! I swear I love Chopin. Yknow how I feel that some composers are always playing hard to get in expressing their stories in their pieces. Most of the time, Chopin never fails to inspire and spark my senses. (The way I say it, its like as if he is my friend hahaha) But yes! I love his pieces! And this song, is a happy piece yet just like other classical music, there's always a transaction of a happy and sad tune and then very outrageously heated and vibrant.. then leading to a softer and milder tonality.. and then a happy ending! And I love this piece, because its something I listen to when I'm happy or feeling extremely sparked despite all the shit in my life.

5. Clair De Lune Debussy

Now this always brings me to a Victorian garden setting, where I picture its very fantasy-like kind of world. Like as if I walked into the elf world in LOTR hahahahaha. I dont know man, I'm weird like this. Its a very peaceful and calm song, this will definitely put you to sleep. And because its so fantasy-like, it draws me into another world and I wish I could be there I swear. I dont know if such places ever existed in the world, but if ever I feel this de javu, I'll definitely scream.. CLAIR DE LUNEEEE!

And so, yes! An end to my classical junkie album.
I know I'm officially beyond weird, but I dont care cause these songs are wonderful!
& you're an idiot not to like them!
These are my top favourite few but of course I've got alot more to share!
Maybe another time! hehe

Breakfast

2012-02-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

breakfast is the most important meal of the day, yet sometimes its so lightly regarded nor taken into considerations. when we were young, our parents make sure we have our breakfast before we leave for school. and breakfast is always such an important aspect to kick start a day. but as we grow older, breakfast became obsolete.sometimes we indulge in it, sometimes we have it hastily, sometimes we avoid it, sometimes we forget about it. and just like many things in life, we know its important, yet we've never always taken it seriously.

Light

2012-02-07T23:28:00.001+08:00

" If its impossible to have, its painful to yearn but beautiful to fantasize. "

We are Painters!

2012-02-07T23:23:00.002+08:00

Places We Go!

2012-02-04T02:06:00.002+08:00

I realize I've been posting alot of photos, but I havent been penning my thoughts down.

I guess it was because I've gotten sick of writing, since the " reports era."

But nevertheless, I'll start.

From the start of the year, I mentioned that my life have been really picking up. And I must emphasis how much I really mean that.

1. School

So I know that I'm the kind of person that get very close friends for every phase in my life. I meet new people, become really tight with them, drift apart and then meet other new people. But that doesnt mean that my old close friends are disposable. Every single person I meet in my life are important, and drifting apart doesnt mean throwing friendships away. Well, back to school, School has been really hectic and its really a pain to be staying in school for 12 hours for project submissions and presentation rehearsals. However, with the right group of people, things are just better and more enjoyable. (: I'm very blessed that I would end of my diploma with very nice and fun-loving people like Tim, Kelly, Jus and Zoe. And our crazy period is all coming to an end, with just one presentation and one submission left, we are off on our own for examinations and YAY SCHOOL IS OFFICIALLY OUT!

2. Travelling!

I'll be going to many places this year. China, Bintan, Aussie, Japan. And I seriously cant wait!

3. Artsy Fartsy

Recently, I got hooked onto water colour painting & writing. I love how my room is full of my art pieces that I do not know where do hang them. And also, I've been painting my own tshirts! So thrilled. My room is looking really nice. I love it so much I dont even wanna study overseas anymore.

4. Weight Loss

Haha this, is something I'm really shy to talk about. To put it simply, I LOST WEIGHT! and I'm very glad to be losing weight because it has always been an uphill task, sometimes seems impossible. But now, results are finally showing. (: I'm finally under the 60kg category after a long time, wont be heading back up anymore! From my heaviest period, of 65kg. I am now a 58kg. And I know.. how the fuck did I used to weigh so much. I have no freaking idea. I'm so glad to be putting on my formal clothes and realizing that my waist skirts are now sinking to my hips and I COULD FINALLY FIT INTO THE PANTS THAT I COULDNT SQUEEZE MY FAT ASS INTO FOR 3 YEARS. HAH My next new weight goal is at 54kg! (:

5. Piano

I've stopped learning. Wont be pursuing my grade 8! Period.

6. Love of my Life.

Okay I dont wanna freak ya'll out with my loveydovey nonsense shit. But I'm in lovveeeeeeeeee~~ and this song will replace my talking!

7. Family

Mum's Birthday (: during CNY. I bought her flowers!

Oh freak. I got caught by my parents while visiting the old house with Leon. And thats how my parents came to know about my "first" relationship hahahahahaha at the tender age of 20. But thank god, they accepted the nature of growing up and falling in love and though they havent met Leon yet, I'm pretty sure and confident that they'll love him. and me and him will live happily after everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2012-02-04T01:02:00.001+08:00

Fireworks!

2012-02-04T00:16:00.003+08:00

Click on it!

Tim.Jus.Kelly.Zoe.Me

2012-01-28T13:13:00.000+08:00

Projects

Spa Management
Cruise Business
Club Management
Facilities Management

Destination Planning and Development

Presentation

~~Spa Management~~~~Cruise Business~~

Club Management

Facilities Management Destination Planning and Development

Hello! This kinda summaries my Projects left,

and also a pre-closure of my numbered days in school.

It is one hectic semester, but also one really fun and enjoyable one.

My group mates are guilty of making it really memorable.

We really love us! Right? hehe

2012-01-28T11:56:00.000+08:00

Let Your Past Make You Better, Not Bitter

2012-01-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

Once bitten, twice shy.

I never knew what hurt me in the past could ever leave such a massive imprint in my thoughts and actions today. I was just thinking about life right now, and thinking about what I was feeling 2 years ago. And so I decided to give my 2010 blogposts a visit and also, the blog that we used to have.

I dont know why I havent deleted the blog yet. I swear I've gotten over you. I've gotten over the pain. I've forgotten how important you were in my life 2-3 years ago.. But I have not deleted the blog yet. Maybe I always wanted to remind myself what a jerk you were, and always will be. Maybe it was something to remind myself that no other guy would ever fail like you did. Maybe no matter how much I try to move on, I've have to understand that it was part of my life, deleting it wouldnt change anything, would it? So yeah, its still in my dashboard. Subtle-ly existing.

The blog brought back many bad memories of how I brought pain to myself by giving you repeated chances to salvage a relationship and repeated chances to hurt me. I know I've been harping on this forever, but I just regretted not inflicting even 1% of my pain onto you. Seriously, why do people like you even deserve anything good. I can always forgive anybody, but never find the heart to even forgive and forget you. I just seriously hate you that much. And I also hate myself back then.

But nevertheless, I moved on. For the better. Things has changed and I have changed. And I'm really glad whenever I look back, I know I wont be close to being who I was 2-3 years ago. I'm really happy now, and I know I would carry on to be in the future.

2012-01-15T22:57:00.001+08:00

to the road less travelled.

2012-01-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

<:

2012-01-10T00:41:00.002+08:00

O.M.G

Life is really starting to pick up and my 2012 is off to a good start (:

1. Completed 2 group projects with the cutest group mates ever!

Tim, Kelly, Jus and ZoZo

I know how people always think about my group mates this sem and thinks that I'm super lucky to have Kelly in my group because she's the top scorer or power girl. Indeed I am lucky, but it has nothing to do with her being clever and pushy in projects or whatsoever, I'm lucky because she is really an awesome good friend and besides that incredibly funny as well. The thing about people's perception on her is that they think she's naturally smart and clever, of course she is, but she worked hard for it and all is deserving! And did I mention how funny and retarded she actually is.

And then we have Zozo, who's real name is Zoe but I love calling her zozo because its cuter. A real pity, that I only met Kelly and her only this sem. Anyway I'm always having annoying insecurities about myself and zozo has always been there to walk me out of it and just try to accept who I am. Which is true! I mean, why make your life so miserable by thinking I'm never good enough when I can be feeling awesome the way I am. And yes, everyone has insecurities but we all have to find a way to counter them so suck it up right? and though she's always known for being very blunt, I realize this was actually her strong points because no many people can be that truthful, esp with the ugly truth. And also, she has the funniest cutest baby laughter when she's excited.

And of course, My boys! Tim and Jus!

But I'm too lazy to blog about them! Hahahaha Luv them too tho!

And yes, We've finished Spa and Cruise. And we're moving on to club, fm and dpd!

2. My Mid Sem Test results is looking good!

I know how I've been really slack for the whole of my Year 1 and 2. And being that very mediocre student, I never expected myself to do extremely well but I'll try my best not to fail or do damn badly. And yes, my average-ness has never gotten me to take any sup paper but also never gotten me an A as well. However, I'm pretty surprised by the fact I've done pretty well for my Mid Sem Test. Calculus at 37/40 and a B+ for my FM Paper. I know it sounds pretty average to all the smart asses out there, But this is srsly not a average grade for me. And I kinda thought I screwed my FM paper. Turns out I DID NOT! (: So kudos to me!

3. Fell in love with the greatest man I've ever met

I know this might sound super controversial with my post about love recently. How I think love is bullshit or whatsoever. Yeah, that's right. I am in love now. And I'm not afraid or ashamed to say that. I cant explain this feeling I'm feeling.

When I met this person as an acquaintance, I knew him as a very righteous and humble person. And thats what I really like about a guy. As I got to know him better, I realize, he's more than that. He leads a very meaningful life of always helping and sharing. Like how he picked up sign language just to help the deaf. I know right... He's also a very tough person, how his adversity in life made him the strong man he is today. Most people would wallow in self-pity but he did not! In fact, he worked really hard for the things he believed in which made him achieve so much in life at such a tender age.

And so, I had my doubts and fears about loving someone all over again, I was afraid that I would wind up hurting myself once more, but he made me feel safe and I felt I could trust him. It certainly did not feel like my past relationships, I'm starting to think that this man here, is really one of the greatest man I've ever met. He's always there for me, and finding solutions for my problems. He's so thoughtful, sweet and attentive, that I seriously cant ask for anything more. He puts in alot of effort to surprise me, and just basically make me a very happy giggly person all day long!

Best thing of all, I think I really love him too.

I hardly post such things up, but I dont know why I feel I needed to record the way I'm feeling now, if ever the need in the future, I'd look back and find that I've experience something real. I know its still pretty early, and yes, all you guys out there will tell me that in 3 or 4 months time, the true colours of a relationship will start to show and not everything would be as smooth-sailing or as sweet as it is now. Okay bring it on man, cause I'm positive that this is bound to be different. (:

and if you're dying to know who is great man is..

too bad its a secret haha.

4. Downside....

I wish me and my dad would talk to each other like before again.

Rainbows Aplenty.

2012-01-04T20:10:00.000+08:00

The least you could do, was the best I've ever gotten.

Stupid Faruq.

2012-01-04T01:38:00.000+08:00

Was having this really funny conversation with Faruq today and I realised how much our friendship has grown over this one year or more. How tight we started out, like inseparable best friends in the universe, and then drifting apart so drastically. The tonality of our conversations went from courteous to being provocatively rude to each other. We begin to shoot each other's ego really badly (actually most of the time he's always provoking me) and my defences are always so harsh we end up fighting about who is being mean to the other party. But every time we talked, we could go on for hours about any shit in the world. I wrote him a really angsty Xmas Card, saying how mean he is to me but I still cherish him as my BFF nonetheless. And he sent me the longest text in the universe, and the funny thing was.. in that longest text he couldnt even finish conveying what he wanted to say that he just conveniently said, "i'll tell you more when I meet you" lol..

Anyway cutting the chase He said something to me today which I felt was really funny but true. He said that I'm like the sister or the sibling he never had. And the reason behind it is that no matter how much you love your sibling, you can never be TOO nice or affectionate to them. Thats exactly the way we roll.

He said I'm the only friend that can tahan his nonsense, I wish I wasnt the only one man. OR I WISH I COULDNT STAND HIS IDIOSYNCRASIES.. But I guess, someone has to do it right? hahaha I'm kidding Faruq!

Love. Again.

2012-01-04T00:53:00.002+08:00

I hate to write such things here because its my bare thoughts. But... its my space. So here goes.

Yknow how they say when people fall in love and they get hurt, and when they get over it they're bound to keep their guards up thinking that anybody that comes along would break their hearts as well. Yknow how they said that if one person could break their heart so easily, that person would build this wall because they are so afraid of getting the same ordeal again.

I used to hate such things, I always thought I'm the kind that just break but get over and start anew. I hate it when people relate every fucking relationship to their previous one, I hate it when people are indecisive, I hate it when I used the word hate but I actually mean something less provocative but I cant find that word in my sizzled brains right now. Anyway, you get the drift. I used to tell myself, I got over that asshole, instead of wallowing in self pity, I'm ready to get it all back and to find someone or some love that is worth my great deal efforts that I wasted on that bum that broke my heart. and so yes, I found someone else after a long time, and I thought this person was different. He was. But so was I. I realised, I wasnt who I was back then. I begin to not care so much, I was afraid if I cared as much as I did to the first jerk it would break my heart if it wasnt reciprocated. And so, I did not care as much as I was suppose to. I related my that relationship to a failed one, thinking that all of them were the same. All of them just wanna sit back and enjoy the ride, thinking everything will fall into place without having to move a single muscle. I thought so too. And thats when it all fell apart, the irony was, even when we knew things started to not fit, we didnt salvage things from the start, we let it wither until it was time to throw it all away.

# the word love that I used down below is purely in the context of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, nothing about world peace or loving my friends,parents and etc.

I would say, that was quite fucked up. It was a total waste of my time, my money, my feelings and most important my faith in relationships and love. After that, I felt that love was completely bullshit. I've seen couples going on for 5-6 years, going through thick and thin together, working so hard for a possible future and then BAM, going separate ways in a matter of days and irrational reasons. I've seen people cheat on each other. I've seen so much of how love was able to hurt so much, and for myself to be unable to experience something fruitful and positive, that I felt... Yknow what.. fuck love. I dont need to go through this shit to make me love my life. But every now and then, I wonder how I used to possess so much optimism about Love, and where did it all go to?

Then I had this post about my grandparents' love and how they were able to love each other for so long. I would never know man. But I would say, I begin to believe its that generation. I feel that our generation, especially Singaporeans, bail out on situations too easily. I would not say ALL, but I would say Most people want the easy way out, and that means, the chances of working things out become slimmer. And the situation of ending things and moving on becomes higher. And so, I became this pessimist in love. I stopped reading about love, I stopped getting all emotionally-evoked after watching love shows,I started to think that the word love is just an excuse or ticket for sex. I KNOW... YOU ARE THINKING WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. BUT I'M SORRY, I REALLY CANT HELP IT OKAY!

One fine day, I was on the topic about love with someone, and I could tell that this person is an optimist in love. I cant rmb the exact thing he said, but its somewhere between the lines of this "I believe if two is really in love with each other, and they'll willing to put in the same efforts to work things out, it would last in love". And yeah, the second I heard it, I thought.. mehhhhhhhh easier said than done right. But then the more thoughts I had about this, the more I started to reflect. Maybe my perspectives were a tad too one-sided. And yeah, maybe if two people are as into each other and two people really have the same dreams together, and those two lucky people will take each other shit just to work things out, they just might last in love.

But still, I dont think it'll ever happen to me. YET.

However,

I'm starting to let a little light shine on love. During that time when I did not believe in love, I closed all faith and doors on it. I told myself, why love when it hurts? But after what that person said, I start to believe, maybe it do but its scarce. But at least, it still exists. I would say now, I opened that door to loving that someone. But that wall that I build around me just suddenly feel so visible right now that I find it so hard to let that person come into my life. I hate feeling insecure, but I really cant help it. Hopefully time will heal and this person would be patient and proves that this thing is to be what he believes.

Alright TOO MUCH INFO! HAH!

2011.

2012-01-02T00:39:00.003+08:00

I'll start with the closure for the Year 2011.

It has been a really exciting, colorful and experiential year.

Some of the main highlights were

My Cameron Trip

Travelling to Bintan 8 times hahaha,

Went snorkeling even tho its one of my biggest fear

Went Para-sailing

Jetski-ed for 2 hours from Bintan to Batam

Cooked and Baked alot

Met many international friends

Earned my first 1.8K in a month

Got a free pair of Oakleys

Moved into my new house

Drove illegally overseas

Meeting two awesome girls (kel & zoe)

Took many Instaxs

Had a favorite colour - Turquoise

Virgin Motorbike Experience,

Grew closer to my Best friend -Niko

Permed my hair

Bought a DSLR

Played with Firecrackers/Fireworks

Stargazed

Lost weight recently

Smiled and Talked to Strangers more often

Got a Silver for Napfa.

Learnt how to Ice Skate

Fell in love.

Some of the main downsides were

Being bored and hating SIP in the beginning,

Grew apart from my friends,

Grew apart from my best friends.

Dropped alot of hair.

Major rope burns on both my hands

Went to the toilet at Macs to pee and forgotten to lock the door and a male staff walked in.

Still cant do Pull-ups properly.

Crashed into a tree twice on an ATV.

Met a 45 year old wolf.

Met alot of ridiculous people.

Went to club and found out I cant dance

Grandmother passed away.

Spent alot of money.

Did ridiculous things.

Picked up smoking (AHAHAHHA KIDDING)

Fell out of love.

Some of the things I've learnt.

1. To focus on the things we have in life instead of complaining and moaning on the things we dont have.

2. Be contented.

3. To open my heart to people from all walks of life.

4. To walk in people's shoes and understand how their environment shaped their characters.

5. To love my family more than ever.

6. To let go of the things that wasnt meant for me

7. Courage dont exist in me

8. How to make fondant icing from scratch

9. How to run a Finance Department

10. How to not crash into a tree

11. How to drive

12. Love is Bullshit.

13. Reasons why you should not kiss a guy on the third date

14. Not to share a hotel room with a guy

15. Losing weight is all about determination, faith and patience!

16. To Share is to Care

17. Little efforts go a long way.

18. To slow down in life, and take notice on the little magnificent things around me.

19. To enjoy moments and focus on where I am instead of what to do.

20. People Change. Feelings Change. But that doesnt mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

I bet there are more things in my year of 2011. But for now, thats all I will list down.

I know it sounds like a pretty insane year. Bad times, Good times, but its still a beautiful year for me nonetheless.

Resolutions for the New Year, 2012

Finish my projects.

Win the CRUISE project

Graduate

Learn how to Surf

Lose 6 kgs

Go for the Cruise

To do something really meaningful

See Dalise

Get my Driving License

Get my Boat License

Go to Japan, China, Aussie, Bali

Keep all my friends

Talk to more strangers

Decorate my room

Learn how to paint better

Do my own covers - Piano and Vocals

Go to SMU

Be a Hot Bridesmaid during my Sister's Wedding

Fly a kite while being on a motorbike

Visit Poison Ivy

Forget the ridiculous things I did in 2011

To be completely honest

Not give a shit to what people think differently of me

Forget you.

Best Xmas! Best Potluck!

2011-12-31T02:04:00.001+08:00

Xmas

2011-12-26T13:25:00.003+08:00

Xmas was great, it was splendid. It was the kind that warms the whole heart despite it being previously confused, tired and trampled on. And especially those little Xmas notes that I've received that are so sweet they never stop leaving smiles. I hope I feel like this on other non-xmas days as well, because this girl is feeling really happy.

ps. i just wish i didn have to quarrel with my dad.

Now, its projects time!

...the stars threw down their cups and went away,

only cause you shone brighter than the light of day.

and if that light should one day stop burning bright,

then i'll be there to walk you home safely at night....

-25

2011-12-25T00:45:00.000+08:00

Gone

2011-12-24T13:04:00.000+08:00

my heart it beats for you, and it bleeds for you.

Days of Boredom.

2011-12-19T00:28:00.001+08:00

I get narcissistic when I dont go out with my friends. meow.

Iron Chef!

2011-12-17T01:10:00.005+08:00

2011-12-15T00:39:00.003+08:00

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.

My Dearest Allie.

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever.

I love you. I'll be seeing you.

Noah

Oatmeal and Cherries

2011-12-13T14:22:00.003+08:00

2011-12-12T19:23:00.002+08:00

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats

I am gold and silver

2011-12-10T17:41:00.003+08:00

I took my napfa on monday, it was the first session and may I just I was feeling all jittery nervous and un-confident about myself. I was never able to call myself physically fit because of my weak mentality during physical trainings when I was still playing Ultimate. But nonetheless, I've always wanted to prove myself and others wrong that I am fit. Just not fit as you ( bionic bitches.) When I had to do my first napfa in primary 4, I hated and dreaded it ever since I knew I had to do it all the way till secondary 4. I never passed napfa in primary school. In secondary, they made it compulsory to at least get a freaking bronze. And that was me, doing all I have to do just to make it. At Sec 4, after completing my napfa I told myself I never have to run like that anymore. I WAS FREEEEEEE AT LAST.. (Oh yeah did I mention, I have a serious phobia of the phrase height and weight, because I was so afraid of going into TAF. But thank god, throughout my whole life, I did not attend TAF club at all. ) Then, in Poly, came the revolution of me, I joined sports and trained hard for it. I pushed myself and changed who I used to be and who I thought would never be, and became one of those girls who are tanned and sporty and carry a shoe bag with her most of the time. My closet was filled with something I never had, Sports equipments and tons of jerseys. I was so tanned that everytime my friends or relatives see me, they say I'm growing darker and turning into a malay soon. There was a big chance, I actually felt pretty good about myself playing sports. Until I quit the team, but I continued to gym, swim, exercise because I wanted my teammates to know that I didn quit the team because I was lazy. haha. But still, I was very afraid to reveal my fitness level to anybody. I was always the last girl. I was always the weakest girl. And I was afraid people saw this. Even though I'm no longer the weakest nor the slowest, the fear never departed.

I knew I could easily nail a bronze for my napfa, I wanted more of course, I wanted a gold or silver, Something I never achieved in my life before. and of course I wanted a gold more, but I knew I had to be realistic with myself hahaha. and so, I did it! I got a SILVER and I was surprised that I managed to swag that A in my shuttle run in my first try, (i always fail shuttle run btw, and always manage to get someone to cheat for me hahahhaa)

YAYNESS. (:

And so, hi my teammates who have once pushed me during trainings. I sincerely thank all of you for motivating me and changing me into someone less flabby and weak. Mwahhhhhhhhh (:

Perks!

2011-12-09T23:47:00.005+08:00

I attended the Singapore Prestigious Brand Awards 2011 last night at Fairmount Hotel Ballroom.

I've never been to a dinner like this but I would say that its very similar to a wedding dinner. My intern company have been nominated as one of the categories for Promising Brands. I know you're also thinking why the fuck am I still attending since I've left the company, hahaha.

Photo of me and Hweeli, my super lookalike. (:

And may I just say that I was in heels last night and I was looking really tall. hahhaha.

Xmas is around the corner, and my dad hung up the xmas tree!

I'm not trying to be pretentious and act western, but I really love Xmas. Everything is pleasant, I luv how xmas looks, how xmas smells, how xmas sounds (xmas songs), how xmas TASTES, and how xmas is about giving and spreading the LUVVVV. I also like hearing people saying Merry Christmas! Teehee. and I luv the combination of red and green too! (even tho my favourite colour now is turquoise)

I'm looking forward to a splendid Christmas this year, BEFORE I FREAKING TURN 20 next year.

Boohoo

and also, I love my room. too much.

ps. you are quite a catch.

What Girls Call It. PMS

2011-12-06T23:03:00.003+08:00

I dont know what is going on lately. I seem to be in this permanent daze or dream.. I cant explain how odd this feels. Its just in explicit, somehow my emotions are always mind boggling and I dont know what the heck is going on. Sounds like a real mess. I am in one. And I really cant! I REALLY CANT EXPLAIN IT. I find myself pacing back and forth, sighing repeatedly, feeling super restless and slightly depressed, not knowing why am I feeling this way. Nothing happened. NOTHING. I'm dont have major issues or anything.

RIGHT?? ITS PMS RIGHT???

Painting

2011-12-02T01:24:00.001+08:00

Broken thoughts

2011-12-02T00:11:00.006+08:00

I'm having a crisis right now, struggling to spell my thoughts out.

Love?

2011-11-23T16:29:00.003+08:00

This week has been pretty eventful,

Have attended my first funeral. I have never experience a lost of kin before and this is the first time. My grandma's departure has been an eye opener for many things in many ways.

The one that has touched me the most was the love of my grandpa for my grandma.

Ever since I was little, I only remembered my grandma being bedridden because she was ill. She has been through alot of medication, dialysis and operations. She became senile over the years, not being able to remember certain people, but often she would throw tantrums and cry. My grandfather was healthy, but over the years, he too slowly lost his ability to hear properly, and he started to lose his memory as well. But nothing could make his love for my grandma disappear. (I know I'm starting to sound like a cliche love writer, but i'm writing this because this is something real. )

I never ever believed that love would last forever, but when I saw my grandfather cry, tears streamed down my face as well. My grandparents came over to my house on Saturday night, and we had a steamboat, my dad turned on Cai Qin's concert and my grandparents who were both senile, sang along. It was such a simple moment, yet it brought out the most blissful and precious moments. My grandmother continued her jovial disposition and when she got home, she got my aunt to cook her fried rice and even ate chocolates before going to bed. The next morning, my grandma woke up and coughed like hell and died.

That sunday morning, I woke up for a run, came home and my mother called me, I picked up the phone and my mother was crying. I've never heard my mother cry before. And it sounded like a catastrophe. The words hit me, and it all made sense "wai po died" I was pretty much stood rooted to the ground and I didn know what to reply to my grief striken mother.. what could I say? When me and my brother got to the funeral, we saw our grandfather eating, and as he was eating he was crying, he couldnt stop.

My mother then told me, that when they receive the news of my grandmother's death. My grandfather didn cry, he did the normal stuffs, had a bowl of porridge for breakfast, read newspaper. But when they carried her body out of the room, he burst into tears and started to wail... WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO FIRST???

If I had to see that, I wouldnt be able to take it either. I wouldnt believe that love would go that far, But now I know, it actually do exist.

The next day, which was the second day of the wake, my grandfather woke up. He lost his memory. He did the same things he did over for decades, ate a bowl of porridge, read newspaper and went down and waited for my uncle to fetch him to work. Everyone was busy with the funeral, and was wondering where did my grandpa go, but it was until my big aunt saw my grandpa standing there alone at the carpark. She asked him, what are you doing here? He said, "I'm waiting for ah eng to come, I dont know why today he take so long" My big aunt that brought him down to the wake and then he remembered, his wife died. and there, he cried again.

The third day, the day of cremation. My grandfather took his last rounds around my grandma's body. I remembered him looking at her for a long time, countless times. And when he was done, his eyes was always red and in tears. It was heart wrenching to see him this way. All my aunties, uncles, cousins , brother and sister and myself had to go through the chinese burial rituals many times from the first day to the third. The monks chant, and we held on the joss sticks and walk around my grandma's coffin. I never did something like this before. When the monk told us, it was the last time we got to see our grandma before they sealed the coffin, my grandpa and aunts and mother cried like hell once more. It was the longest round of walk.

I hugged my mother as her eyes was filled with tears, I've never hugged my mother this way before. I felt that I wanted her to know, that I will always be there for her because I love her the same way she love my grandma. I guess, my grandma's death made me realize how much I love my parents no matter how much I hated the way they protected me.

The coffin was loaded up onto the bus and we had to walk a distance. It was terrifying, because my aunts and mom cried like hell again. My dad and uncles were walking behind us. My mother, started to wail and my sister went to her to hold her. I wanted to walk with my dad and tell him mom was crazy, but as I turned around, I saw my dad eyes, wet with tears. Holyshittttttt.... I turned back and pretended I didnt see my dad cry. It was the first time I saw my dad cry and I would never have imagined him crying. He was the toughest man that I ever knew, and there he was.. in tears. Inside me, I was dying to find out WHAT MADE MY FATHER CRY? And endless possibilities, maybe he was thinking of his own mother? Maybe he was heartbroken to see my mom heartbroken? Maybe the reality of death suddenly hit him? I do not know the real answer but I dont want to ask my dad, " PAAA WHY YOU CRY??" That'll be dumb. So me and my sister pretended we didn see anything. My sister was quite sure, it was because my dad was heartbroken to see my mother cry. After all, my parents were very loving and close. I think their love would last forever as well.

At the end of this whole thing, I guess, Love, they do exist.

I'm starting to believe it once again.

In this ever changing world, I thought love exist but it doesnt last.
People lie, People cheat, People change, People leave.

There are all realities of a failed relationship/marriage/love story.

Yet people are willing to take the risk, to love all over again.

I'm starting to feel that in my generation, a love like that is scarce. Too scarce to even believe it would ever happen to me.

My 1000th Post

2011-11-19T16:20:00.004+08:00

Hello!

You are currently reading my 1000th blog post.

I have grown over my 1st post and now my 1000th post.
and yes, I do feel alot different now. (:

I would say "fuck man. I damn weird last time."
because I'm quite sure that 5 years down the road, I'll look back to where I am today and say the same damn thing. Hahhahahaha

Many things have happened recently in which I have failed to put it all down in words and on my blog or to anybody. And for that, Its all immensely trapped in my mind. Sometimes I feel I would suffocate to death. Nobody can really see that though. But don't go ahead to think I'm a person that dwell on my shortcoming and live in self pity. Because I know what I am going through and I see the beauty of all these mess.

There was one random day, I wrote this thing on my facebook. That kinda sounded about too harsh and extreme haha

I dont believe in love anymore.

But knowing myself, I actually still do believe in love.

I dont know what triggered me to write that, I guess maybe I was hearing too many nonsensical stories about people changing and love that never did last. And I was so soaked into the horrible reality that I was inclined to anti-love. But I cant help but wonder, of all the greatest love in the world, it seems to me that there were more heartbreaks in the world. I always thought the line " Growing old with you" was like the sweetest line ever in the world. But then I'm starting to believe that I wouldnt grow old with anybody, accept maybe with my best friend who probably have a husband to grow old together with. You see the problem with me is, I always write things like this on my blog, and people see me as this girl that is desperately searching for love or a fucking true love story. But no, there are just my thoughts that bounce back and forth.

I am nineteen, my passion, my beliefs, my thoughts fluctuates like a volatile stock market. I am so easily influenced by my environment that sometimes I feel like a complete mold out of my comfort zone. Its weird and its frustrating. I lie in bed sometimes and I wonder what the fuck am I doing. I consider myself the girl who is the jack of all traits, but freaking the master of none. I am seriously the master of nothing, I'm not especially good any anything. My friends can easily tell me what I'm good at, and I always have a way to disagree with them. And then I realise, maybe the only thing that kept me back was always feeling like I was never ever good enough for myself.

I like to believe that every negative shit that has ever happened me, possess a truth/beauty that I needed to extract out. Recently, life has been too good. But I've been torturing myself with self inflicted problems. Am a little crazy. okok. too much info.

Snapshots.

2011-11-16T23:40:00.004+08:00

School has been super draining and not to mention the freaking massive projects that are due.

All these makes me look forward to the end of submissions but also kinda mean that school will be officially out and I'll finally count myself as a diploma grad. YAY. But i'll def miss school, that happens all the time. But I'll be happier that everything is soon coming into a fruitful end! (: Being in this class and group makes me feel rather constructive, something I havent been feeling for the whole of my poly education. But its pretty late to be feeling constructive and competent. But better late than never.

My blog is lacking of updates from my dearest niko neo birthday.
I miss her dearly!

ps. I have been gymming almost everyday.. hiakhiakhiak.

2011-11-13T21:48:00.002+08:00

Shots from my Fujifilm 210

2011-11-07T01:51:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday To You!

2011-11-04T21:05:00.008+08:00

To The Best Friend in the World,

Happy 19th Birthday Neeeeeeeko!

Hello dear girl, I've decided to blog a post about you because I realize I'm not good at cards.

Hehehehe. (or well you know its out of convenience! ) Anyway Your 19th Birthday is just another day, But Since its your birthday I've decided a little post to commemorate our 7 years of friendship. (:

Since the day we've met, We didn really make the BEST FRIENDS in the world. In fact, we always squabbled and didn like each other. There were times we even backstabbed each other. Those were the secondary school days. But the thing about us was, no matter how much we fought, we matter how much we hated each other, no matter how much our differences caught up, These times has never failed to bring us closer together. And this I know, I cant say the same to any other friend.

I would say that you have grown alot over these two years. You used to be the kinda of girl that dont give a damn to other people's opinion. You had the worst temper, You had the worst habits of not answering your phone calls, You had the kind of attitude that didn allow anyone to step over you. But look where you are right now, You have been the most understanding friend I could have. You knew exactly what I go through sometimes and that led us to having those yayayayayayaya conversations. haha you became this super forgiving person and also a freaking awesome girlfriend. I dont know what spurred you on, (Maybe it was because of my influence HAHAHAH) but I really adore the new you. Despite being the super attractive friend that is kinda bitchy, you were also the friend that never judged me. Oh maybe you did, but you accepted me of who I am. You stood up for me when people brought me down. You made me feel good about myself when my self esteen was low. And the way you did it, was not the patronizing way, you did it with some truth and motivate me to make a change.

You know both of us are like the closest friends, but we aint the kind of friends that hug each other when we see each other, hug goodbyes or tell each other we love each other.. Well you get that.. But I do wanna say, we dont need all these to make us feel important. You've been the best friend anyone can possibly find, The funniest one I can ever find. Your retarded idiosyncrasies that I could never imagine myself living without. We are inseparable because we did almost everything together because we never run out of things to talk to each other about. If you were a guy, I bet you were my soulmate. hahahahha

You know of how I am always envious of you. Like you have the perfect legs, the perfect body, you are damn pretty, you are intelligent, you always have picks on boys and you found a really good boyfriend that you could marry. HAHAHA

But I felt that all these that you've gotten, are everything you deserve. You know what I mean (:

We are not afraid to look ugly infront of each other, because there's nothing I hide from you. And nothing you hide from me. And maybe because you always love me for who I am. Hehe I wanna keep doing bad things to you (like putting cockroaches on your hands, using my massive weight on you, push you around, make you perform dangerous stunts, tell you ghost stories when I know you get freak out at night and etc. I'm looking forward to more birthdays spent with you, more overseas trips with ya and more retarded times with you babe!

and last of all, I love you.

XOXO

PeeSai: You know I want you..
(hahahhahahhahahaha)

Sand, Sea, Sun.

2011-11-02T23:09:00.000+08:00

Stripey Twins! Hehe

2011-11-02T22:17:00.003+08:00

New Home!

2011-11-02T22:02:00.003+08:00

The Vines!

2011-11-02T21:24:00.004+08:00

Its been a long time since the last time Hoola has met! And Cel is in Aussie ):

and its also the last time hoola came over to my old house!

It brought back a strange and sad feeling as we all realized, my house was the place of many birthday celebrations and the we-do-not-know-where-to-go-so-lets-go-to-jx's-place times.

Making Pancakes for them! (: And Cecilia looks super cute in the photo above! hehe

Tutorial

2011-11-02T21:02:00.003+08:00

The day Dawn, Wendy, Alan, Denise and SUPPOSEDLY HEONGYEE met up for lunch and pool..

(My favourite people in CC) =]

We were at this amk pool place, Its the kind of place I would never stepped into on my own account.
But for the sake of our pool session, I DID. God.. I HATE THIS PLACE.

Itsy Bitsy.

2011-10-19T14:44:00.003+08:00

School is starting next week, This holiday has been a long one. But holidays are never enough.

Hiakhiak. My family has been trying to move out of my current house, and I've come across so many silly things of my past that I dont know if I should keep them or throw them away. I realized my childhood was a pretty sad and lonely one. Most of which, only had memories of me and Dalise, and my very mean sister who now is very nice to meeee... haha.

Had a wonderful day with Tiffany and my Sister as we visited this place in Mandarin Gallery called Arteastiq.

Omg... I didn know I love painting that much, even though I pretty much suck at it. Wasnt the artsy type in school, always trying to draw stuffs.. looking good on one side and the other side looking completely horrible.

Painting was fun. And we wasted alot of paint, acrylic paint got on my new wool top even though I was wearing a freaking apron and it wouldn get off! ): and I dont know how I got paint in my hair as well.

I love the place, and immediately thought of bringing Niko here.

So funnnnnnn. Yay.

This is the painting of the sea, I love turquoise!

But its like the hardest colour to mix.
No matter how much colours I added, the paint didn show the vibrancy and emerald effect.
This was the closest I could get! ):

The day I finally met the girls that I have missed so dearly,

Ziwei and Amanda.

This place Wimbly Lu, at Jalan Riang.

Iphone photos from the Museum.

Museum

2011-10-15T23:31:00.002+08:00

Impromptu

2011-10-12T23:31:00.003+08:00

Dayah and I randomly met up to go swimming last afternoon! And since she has never been to my place,
I invited her over for dinner after our very conducive swim! Jovy texted us to have dinner with her! And it was her birthday! So we invited her over also and made her a Last minute Birthday " Cake" hahahha which was actually pancakes! Everything was perfect and we had alot of fun! (:

Loneliness is Insanity

2011-10-10T23:33:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I love to look at strangers.

Everybody has a story. What they do, Who they are, Where are they going, What are they thinking. And I love to look at strangers and try to derive their story. Some people, they look happy. Some people, they look angry. Some people, they look tired. But one type of people, never fails to instill this bolt of bitterness. They are the people, who look - Lonely.

There is an old man. I seen him around my area. He's always sitting at this particular table at this Indian coffee shop below hotel 81. Every time I see him, he is alone. He seems to enjoy this habit of watching people walk by, or cars drive by. I've never seen him eat anything from the Indian store. All that was on the table, was a cup of coffee. In my mind, I wondered. Why would he be there religiously, everyday? And most of all, Why is he alone?

I think about how one person has to live their life alone. It just saddens me to no end. Like what has this person done to be living all alone. Would anybody know if he passed away. Everyday, time just fritters away meaninglessly. Nobody to share any moment with. Nobody to remember anything with.

Apples and Cinnamon

2011-10-09T22:31:00.003+08:00

Was feeling mighty today, so I decided to make breakfast! and it was APPLES AND CINNAMON PANCAKES! (:

So glad I figured out the recipe correctly. And I love how my pancakes look!

I'm so glad my mom totally dig these flapjacks, Usually she have complains about my cooking because she really cook very well.

But today she said that I am getting better and better! Major motivation! hehehhehehehe

Judge-able

2011-10-09T21:54:00.003+08:00

I figured one thing about judgmental people. There are everywhere. In fact, they are more than everywhere, they are inside of you. Everyday, my mind tells me that I'm never good enough for anything. I'm never able to do anything I really wanted to do, I never had that outstanding life. Or least, too early to say but I always feel like the fat unattractive girl that will never stand out. I judge myself day in day out and its so unhealthy.

My friends, they judge me too. But it didn matter to me. Even if there were bad, I take them as honesty. I know I dont hang out with "normal" people. I like my friends for who there are, (tho some are scary). I know where the lines are drawn. And some of them really make really a good friend. I choose the people I meet, I choose the people I befriend. But I can also choose the judgments that should matter to me. I dont deny that these judgements dont affect me, they do. But I appreciate them because they come from my close friends.

Togi with Renyi!

2011-10-09T21:29:00.003+08:00

Walk-a-thon!

2011-10-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

Raylene's a fucking crazy bitch who made me walk from Punggol all the way to Hougang. To her house!
I always remembered that she freaking hardcore in walking. But I enjoyed our walking and talking sessions. Thank god we exchanged shoes! Hehe but i had sole blisters when I got home ): We're always doing stupid things together, like yesterday we were throwing pebbles in the pond and competing who gets to do throw it best. But we both sucks, I wonder how those kids on TV do it. It seems so easy.

Blue Skies Days

2011-10-02T21:36:00.001+08:00

Little Lilies.

2011-10-02T16:57:00.003+08:00

Lovely Meetup with Dayah over Lunch at Swensons! I luv their Salad Barrrrr!

Baked her blueberry muffins as well!

Family

2011-10-01T23:45:00.005+08:00

I've never ever felt so disappointed with my family right now. Or likewise, was such a huge disappointment to the family.

Firstly, it was how my parents never gave me the freedom to pursue what I wanted. They are always restricting me of what I felt like doing just because they think its not the right thing to do. Regardless of how much the things meant to me. I'm disallowed to come home late, to hang out often with friends, to go club, to travel overseas with friends and even to earn extra pocket money. The reasons for not allowing me to do all these and simply because I cant. There's no legitimate reasons but simply just no. Its frustrating because there's not compromising and discussing, its always their say and their call that matters. Its like before you could even ask for their permission, you know the undesired answer would just slap right into your face. This makes me not bothering to even ask for their permission and go straight into lying to them.

I dont understand what the heck do they expect from me. Or what else do they want. Anybody who have known me, knows that I am a fucking good kid. I dont smoke. I definitely dont take drugs. I dont drink. I'm not a spendthrift. I dont party. I dont dress like a hooker. I am understanding. I dont spend most of my time dating guys and having sex. I am not some ahlian that fell out of school. I work hard. I save money. And all these, dont deserve the fact that I can travel with my friends. I worked so hard and I save so much money, and what... I dont even get to enjoy my fucking holidays. What fucking bullshit is that.

And that time Hweeli asked me to join her and some female colleagues to Batam for a trip to Holiday Inn for massage all sponsored by the company, and my mother said no. And the reason was fucking ridiculous, because she finds that its weird for me and Hweeli to be so close. And it was just for one fucking night and I cant even go. How the fuck do you want me to accept that reason. Its like asking if you could have a glass of soda and answer is no because the grass is too long.

Like Hellooo??? I accept the fact that they are simply too worried for me and they love me too much yadayada all the rubbish. But have they thought about how long are they going to shelter me and protect me? Like when will be the time where they let me think for myself. I'm so furious last time because recently they had something new to pick on me. They said I was going out too often. ... Seriously. why is there no end to their grumblings. Like what the heck. I'm out often because I fucking have to work. And I hang out with my friends because what the fuck you want me to do with my life? Just work and home everyday?? And the fact is that I hang out with friends is simply a dinner affair. I dont fucking party like some wild bitch and go home drunk. What the fuck is wrong with that! And I come home on most days because my mother took the effort to cook. I totally appreciate that! But you've got to understand that I cant bring my friends home for dinner right? And some weekends I stayed at home, AM I INVISBLE AT HOME AND ONLY VISIBLE WHEN I'M OUTSIDE???

I know I sound like some immature kid here complaining about my parents. But seriously, who wants to look back at their youth to find that they have completely missed living their life to the fullest.

I posted this on my facebook out of my rage.

I am nineteen and I have a life. Stop trying to steal and contain it while you sink deeper into your world of dementia. I may have owe my whole life to you just because you brought me up, but that doesnt mean you have to live my life for me. There are some things you can teach and some things you cant control. So let go when you have to.

I was pretty sure I blocked my mom off my wall. It wasnt meant for her to see, I just needed a release. I wanted people to agree of what I'm feeling and tell me i'm not alone. But guess what, my mom saw. And today she confronted me saying, " you nineteen already what! You earn money already mah! You think you big already mah! You think you can do anything already what! You cook yourself la! Say you abit, you go write on facebook.."

You see... thats exactly what they do. When you ask for abit of freedom, they tell you things like... " HANAH HANAH YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT I ALSO DONT CARE YOU LA. YOU SO CAPABLE YOU GO AND DO LOR. I DONT CARE ALREADY. YOUR WINGS HARDEN YOU CAN FLY ALREADY... GO LA GO LA!"

This is the point where I feel that I can just bang the wall and die. Like... I'm not asking you to not care about me. I'm asking you to be reasonable and let me think for myself and not trying to live my life for me. And I just earn that fucking little money and my whole family thinks I'm some fucking money faced girl. And me expressing myself on facebook is an issue. Why did you even add me on facebook then? If you want to add me on facebook, welcome to the world of my thoughts. Have a problem with it? Thats your problem.

In my rage, I also texted my sister and brother about what my mother talked to me earlier that night. Because I couldnt take it anymore. I was hoping they could drill some sense into my mom's head. And I didn even get a reply from both of them. And I realize actually I was alone in this shit.

Secondly, My brother has been against me recently. He has never been against me. In fact I thought he was the one that supported me in most of the things I do. He understands that I needed my growing space that was not given by my parents. And to me, he was the closest kin I had in the family. But probably I neglected him as a brother. I only treated him importantly when I needed a ride to the mrt station. I only needed help from him to run errands for me. Recently, all I could do to him is shout at him for being fucking irritating or ask him to drive me around. I was never really there for him when he needed someone to talk to. He suddenly saw me as a lazy, reliant, dependent, useless person in the family. Like whenever I needed something, I would ask somebody to find a solution for me or procrastinate my responsibilities. He felt I was never at home to do the important things and always out enjoying my life and making money all for my own benefit. I wouldnt blame him for it. Because I know, I am guilty of all these.

Just like when my laptop disk is spoiled or some shit. and I didn bother to send it for repair. Until my mother have to help me call the acer helpline and then see if she could help me get it repaired. While all these while, I was either working, out with my friends, or lazing at home. My father who is always busy getting my new home renovated couldnt help as well. So my father gave this task to my brother and of whom got fucking pissed. he even wrote on his facebook.

I will not help anyone who thinks that they are too busy to settle trival things themselves. Dont you dare think that only your time is valuable. If you expect help, you at least do your part.

I was really devasted when I read this. But at the same time, fucking pissed. Because I dont fucking need your help. The only reason that was stopping me was because I didn even feel the need to repair it and I'm too lazy to do it. I did not ask my mother to help me. I didn know why my mother was doing all the calling behind my back. How the fuck was I suppose to know or take responsibilities when in the first place, did not require them. Its not that I dont appreciate my mom's help, I adore her for making the first move. But thanks, I can take things into my own hands.

My brother texted me when I was out with Raylene just now
" Monday you better take off and go repair your com. I send you there. U dont expect to help u service it"

So I replied

" Need to back up or what?? Okay thanks alot"

And he replied

" Do I need to call n ask for you?"

.... That was seriously uncalled for isnt it?? So I replied,

" I nv ask you to call and help me ask. Im asking if you know. If you dont know, you say you dont know."

And then here came the long msg..

" I tell you the truth. If not dad ask me to help you think I bother??? He still ask me to help you service it. U can be at home the whole fucking day sleep n watch tv u dun bother to even call acer urself n nid mum to do it. N she knows nuts about computer. U r already 12? U shud be ashame of urself. U r just 19. U r not independent. i think u deserve my help if u dun even fucking try to do it urself. Its not that u cant do it within ur means, its that u r fucking lazy. ur time preciouse bout other ppl's time?? u dislike ahbei because he leech on us but u r fucking doing the same thing. The only reason i felt obligated is cuz dad is fucking busy. u wan to bitch about your own parents u tink about urself first. dun talk about going overseas if i cant even find ur way to jurong carry ur laptop with u. Its time u fucking wake up and hold ur own things responsible. I have my own responsibilities too"

I replied. " I dont need your help to bring me to that place. I will call acer myself tmr and do everything myself. You dont need to lift a finger or do anything. Thanks anyway"

On the surface I am fucking pissed. Who in the world do you think you are so perfect to lecture me this way. For all I know, you are the most calculative and irritating brother in the world. Whenever you helped me with something, I have to pay back with another kindness. I know you often treat me dinners and movies, but I do pay you back occasionally. I know you send me here and there, but I cooked meals for you as well. Why do you always have to think that I am always indebted to you?? I am your sister! Not your fucking church friends! When you were 19, you were still in poly wasting your life and living like a loafer. WHY WHEN I AM 19 NOW, I HAVE TO FUCKING ACT MATURE/RESPONSIBLE/ INDEPENDENT AND ALL THAT SHIT. Its bullshit, and totally ridiculous that they dont even give me chance to learn and just condemn me this way.

But inside, I am totally ashamed of myself. Yes one thing is, albeit all these things that I am not getting. I am complaining too much and not considering the fact that I already have so much from my parents. My living conditions are way better than most. My mother cooks for the family. My father is very devoted to give his children a nice home and is willing to spend so much time and money on our new house. My brother is always home to keep my parents company. My sister is home occasionally and brings yummy food home. And what do I do? Nothing but to complain and post things on my facebook wall and hurt my mother's feelings. What do I do? Nothing but to lazy around at home like a queen. What do I do? Go to work in the day, come home late at night. Go to sleep and go off to work the next day. What do I do? Make a perfect hotel out of this place I call home. And yes, he is right. Why the hell would my parents trust that I would survive travelling myself when I cant even do simple things myself. Why the hell would my parents trust that I would take care of myself??

Why the hell would my brother help me when all I do is speak to him so impatiently and order him to drive me around. Right??

goddamnit!

2011-09-25T22:03:00.002+08:00

On The Grill!

2011-09-18T14:22:00.004+08:00

Last weekend, Homemade Grilled Ribeye, Pizza, Salad and Potato Patties!
And our little dramatic king.

Look What I have Found.

2011-09-18T00:34:00.004+08:00

Was enjoying my lonely weekend at home, and discovered many things that really made me think.

One of my favourite was the Photograph of my grandpa and my 2nd Grandma and it was torn into two. I couldnt help but wonder who tore the photo and what made the person do such a thing. Its sad to think that most couples would live till they die. But my grandparents would never have the luxury nor the simplicity to hold each other's hand on their deathbeds. Or to be buried beside each other.

On a lighter note,

I remembered my mother asking my Dad,

" Would you rather to die first? or myself to die first"

and my Dad said,

" I would choose to die first, because I wouldnt have to live the pain if you're gone first."

It seems to me that most people would choose to die first so they would have to suffer the loneliness of not having the person that belonged to them for all these while. I cant imagine if I were to lose someone that I have lived my whole life with. Its gonna be fucking devastating for me. I might kill myself.

My Dad posted the question back to my Mum.

and my Mum said,

" I would choose to die first."

" Because if I died first, Nobody would take care of you like I do when I'm gone"

I felt that this story that my mum told me was super touching. Its not something my mum would usually tell me. And I'm surprised because I've never seen my parents holding hands, nor hugging not say even kissing. I never seen them kissed before in my entire life. But I knew they couldnt live without each other.

I wished I had a love like theirs.

Dear,

2011-09-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

Dinali, I'm glad I saw a reply from you. It meant a great deal to me. And yes it took me a great deal of courage to post something like that on my blog. After all, I did tell my friends and even myself that I cant be bothered with you. But who am I kidding?

I was a real bitch, to not have realized that I have hurt you so much. I knew you were missing us all along, and I just didn let things work out the way it should. I didn care about your feelings because most of the time, I was mad at you being so childish and bitchy. I couldnt stand the fact that you were the one drifting away from all of us and in turn blaming us for changing. The little things that kept us apart just expanded our distance further and further.

I was glad that I'm not the only one feeling this. Being reminded of our happy times. I miss reading your blog posts that has everything to do with me. I miss having to laugh with you all the time. I miss getting in trouble with you. I miss you on the phone being quiet because you're busy with the computer. I miss us having senseless msn conversations. I miss us doing retarded lip syncing videos. I miss lying to you. I miss doing stupid and gross stuffs on you. I miss hating you for telling the whole world I dig chili skin from my teeth and putting them on you. I miss us taking weird photos. I miss your pierre png face. I miss me making breakfast for you. and most of all, I miss you being my best friend. I also miss admitting my mistakes, in which could have stopped me from doing this today.

I just wanna say that, we should start anew. And we should start by saying what we hate about each other. We shall be downright honest about things. But trust me, I forgotten all our stupid arguments. You and I have got lots of work to do.

Parsley Lemon Almond Stuffed Chicken with Spag Vongole!

2011-09-17T23:36:00.005+08:00

Today was pretty productive, went to the market in the morning and prepared this wonderful lunch for my family. Had Piano Lessons and then heade out to dread amk hub to watch a movie with Faruq and Raylene. A freaking horror movie in which they lied and told me it was a comedy. At least I had some life today. haha

Yesterday was such a bad day. ):

din.

2011-09-11T16:57:00.004+08:00

I dont know if you would read this still. But if I still meant something to you, I guess you still would. I didn know what happened to us. We seem to stop getting along with each other ever since we stopped seeing each other everyday. Its hard to look back at the days and the things we had when everyday was filled with so much laughter and things that made us very very happy. And now, we only get sore at each other with the littlest things in life. I start to wonder, whats the worth of our friendship when it could be so easily ruin. It is hard to look back on the days where I go to school and not see one scene without you in it. Its hard to pick things up from the past and not think that you had something to do with it. What tears me is right now to this point, I'm still unwilling to say I'm fucking sorry and I wish we were us once again. I miss us. But whats the point now that us is, Gone? Its hard to think that things between us were salvageable, I guess we tried many times but we never did try hard enough. We hurt each other so many times and I guess we kinda hated each other that we just want to avoid each other as much as possible?? Is that what you want?? I hate to say I'm sorry, but at a certain point.. we all should be. And I am really very sorry.

We cant be alittle more sane

2011-09-11T00:34:00.004+08:00

Now I'm Nobody's Fool.

2011-09-04T01:38:00.002+08:00

Had the time of my life
Before I could see what was really going on
And what you really thought of me.
Look at me now, eyes open wide,
Wiser today and driving away with my shattered pride.

Well you know what they say
The truth sets you free
And that’s just great unless you don’t wanna be
And you can keep the last laugh,
Cause I don’t like how it feels
When you save face, but your heart breaks
Well you’ve cut the wrong deal.

Bad Girls and Good Guys.

2011-09-03T22:54:00.001+08:00

Bad guys and Stupid Girls.

If I could

2011-08-21T14:45:00.002+08:00

I want to be on a sailboat cruising in the endless seas, the horizons, the salty breeze, the glistering waters and the starry night skies.

Cozy Nights

2011-08-21T13:27:00.002+08:00

I've turned into a human piggy who loves to snug into covers all day and dream away..

2011-08-17T23:06:00.002+08:00

2011-08-17T19:19:00.002+08:00

Lost

2011-08-17T19:14:00.001+08:00

Lately, I seem to question myself. What the hell is going on. I do not know. I do not comprehend why I act this way. I keep everything to myself, not because I do not trust anybody (thats silly) I seem to have lost touch with my friends, and I want to get in touch with them again but I cant seem to do it. What the heck is wrong lately. I really do not know. ): And if you ask me what I'm doing these days, well.. working on most days and resting on the days I'm not working.

2011-08-09T13:31:00.003+08:00

Packed up.

2011-08-07T23:20:00.002+08:00

It just doesnt feel quite enough.

I havent been contacting my friends recently. And it just feels kinda rustic. Feels non-existance in this planet anymore. Its not that I havent been asked to go out and all. It just kinda didn set in to me. I acquire this weird laziness that makes me not wanna step out of the house at all. Im not quite sure what I'm up to lately either.

The days just zoomed past me.

I wish I had a holiday. A Getaway.

2011-08-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

I HATE MISCOMMUNICATIONS. DAYUMMMM

Imma Bird!

2011-08-05T22:58:00.013+08:00

2011-08-04T15:08:00.002+08:00

The most precious times are captured in the heart, and replayed by memories.

2011-08-04T13:29:00.001+08:00

Blast Off

2011-08-04T12:58:00.003+08:00

Its absolutely scary. This is beginning to feel like a fucking nightmare.

Once, I felt it was just a game,

but the more I begin to enjoy, the more I know how fucked up I'll be.

Updates!

2011-07-30T23:32:00.003+08:00

Omg, this space has been sooo freaking neglected.

I cant explain how disconnected I feel from this world ever since I stepped into the world of bookkeeping and accountings in the Finance department of 7 companies. And next friday is thankgod my LASTTTT DAYYYY AS AN INTERN!! Hiphip hooray, goodbye to my idiosyncrasies, laziness to text, bad temper, short temper, and say hello to LIFE + and more blogging. heh (:

and nikoneo is in hongkong now, When I need her adviceeeee the most ):

Caroline's too busy to reply my msgs lately. ):

Brownie is a cup!

2011-07-09T20:05:00.002+08:00

2011-07-04T22:11:00.005+08:00

I hate goodbyes.

2011-07-04T21:58:00.004+08:00

We sent cel off at the airport as she embarked on her 4 years study in Sydney.. At the beginning, it sucks to have a friend to be away at a far away country for such a long period of time. I for myself, didn give it much thoughts, anyway we're all big girls now.. we'll see each other again anyway. Though we'll definitely miss each other.. but I know life like this, we'll all get on with our lives somehow. I spend the whole day with niko, since the morning till we were at the airport to send cel off, and we told ourselves, we wouldnt cry...

Well, we did. All of us did.

Maybe it was then that it hit me, what if she's not the only one leaving. When Raylene goes to London next Sept, it'll be even worse. When Caroline decides to ever leave for Aussie I will be as devastated as well.

When I was young, I grew up with the fear that Dalise was leaving me. Every year, she speaks about her wanting to leave, and every year I was so afraid of her leaving yet I didn want to show how much I didn want her to go. I used to count down to the date she was leaving, only to find out, she actually was gonna come back. But the same things happen, every now and then I endured a terrifying feeling of her leaving me. And I was actually too young to do anything. I would cry in my sleep, I would cry if I listened to a sad song that reminded me of her, I would look at her when I sleep and wonder if one day I'll miss her sleeping beside me. She was really the most important person in my life. And having that person, to think she was going away forever, all the time.

Go on?

2011-06-26T18:43:00.003+08:00

Its going to be the end of June, and soon July comes. Its the 7th month of the year and that means we're at the 2nd half of 2011, in other words or where i'm driving at... I'm half way through being 19.

Is it a good thing that this is actually the last year of me being a TEEN? well I would never know until I hit the big 2. But actually, I wanna get out. I wanna get out of this constricted life I am now. I wanna go where my heart is. I know where it is now and I wanna fly there every single moment. But all these dumb stupid ropes got me tied here and I cant seem to ever be happy anymore. Its so frustrating. What am I doing to myself? I really really cant stand it.

Raylene's Birthday!

2011-06-26T10:55:00.016+08:00

I baked her Birthday Cake!

And we have TWG for dinner! (:

2011-06-21T20:41:00.002+08:00

Our Little Picnic

2011-06-19T21:48:00.009+08:00

Sapi!

2011-06-19T14:52:00.006+08:00

Sapi Fajri!

Scary looking Anto and Sapi Jeff !

Ady!

Jade!

Anto getting owned by Songwen.

My Saturday was spent at work with so much fun. Red and Yellow Event, I actually dont have a clue what is it about but I was tagged for the event. But I helped with operations and had alot of fun! Songwen and I kayaked and almost crashed into a kid ahhaha. Still fun though, and took polaroids with the Sapis and Ady (whom I now know is the biggest and sneakiest bully) hahahhah

2011-06-19T11:33:00.006+08:00

webcamming with my bff in bintan.

2011-06-12T23:29:00.003+08:00

Scrumptious

2011-06-12T21:53:00.009+08:00

2011-06-12T17:06:00.003+08:00

I started to contemplate.. who am I gonna be 10 years down the road. Where am I gonna be? What am I doing? And I'm right here thinking, HOW AM I GOING TO BE; what I want to do, who I want to be, where I wanna be, in ten years time.

On a illusional side, I want to see myself living in my dream house, spending time cooking away in the kitchen and waiting for my husband to come home so we can have dinner together. In the day, I'll find myself at the courtyard drinking tea and reading. But who am I to fool hehe, I hate reading. And I would say, give me on month of such a life and I will beg you to please take me away from these solitary afternoons. And I wonder, who the hell is this husband I wanna serve every fucking night. haha.

Basically, the reason behind this blog post, is actually how I sat down infront of the tv today and watched Monter fish on Nat geo. And I watched how these african fishermans made a living on lake Victoria, hunting down crazily huge nile perch. And I started to think, maybe we Singaporeans are too educated and spoilt for a lifestyle that requires us to move our ass. We all grow up, injected with the certain mindset that we all have to STUDY VERY VERY HARD to get a good paying job in a air conditioned office. And with that, if we dont do well, our parents tell us " You will throw garbage next time. " And who the hell in the right mind would want to throw garbage. I definitely do not know what I want to be in the future, but hell no to garbage.

When I was there in Bintan, I helped out with the seasports operations. I pushed the boats, I talked to customers, I brought them to ride the Jetski, I helped with closing and I understand how the revenues come and go, I understand the financial systems. And I thought, wouldnt it be if my working life is great if I had the job that dont require me to sit infront of the computer in an office, and come at the certain office hour and leave at a certain office hour. Of course everyone loves that. And I love what I did in Bintan, it occurs to me that I dont have to be in a office. I could be out there! So what if i'm a girl!

It jolted me out of the Singapore Disease, and I thought maybe I want to be something else. Okok dont ask me what is the something else, cause the kid is still thinking. Meow.